Cache Memory

unretentive, oblivious

Untitled 2

Carlos loved that feeling of uncertainty when you are not sure whether or not it’s going to rain. He simply loved it. Getting out of the bed and looking out of the window to check if it rained last night. Or just wait till the dark, inflated suspensions of water vapour give up. The feeling just gave him a sort of thrill.

September 17th was one such day. Carlos woke up to his favourite chime and smelled the ambiguity in the air. At work, Carlos impressed the client with an excellent presentation. Same day, he got a raise.

The day could not have been better, Carlos wondered. Plus, the cool breeze against his arms, little goose bumps and the decision of not taking an umbrella made him feel still better. Not that he always made this decision on days like these; he just chose not to take one today.He lit a cigarette. A puff in such weather is always a welcome high.

As Carlos reached the grocery store, he saw Caryn across the road.

Oh! Caryn, he gasped. There was something about her. Not in a fairy tale or movie star sort of way. But the glint in her eyes, her dark brown skin, and her unconventional looks…Carlos could go on and on…He tried to remember how long he had waited to express his feelings towards his neighbour.

Caryn wore her rusty helmet and kick started her 1980 Vespa.

And then it poured. The suspense was over.

“Want a ride back home? I know it’s not very new but still…”

It was certainly the most beautiful uncertain day in Carlos’ life yet.

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7 responses to “Untitled 2

  1. iris January 28, 2010 at 5:05 am

    i liked it…made me smile

  2. Shruti Chandra Gupta February 8, 2010 at 2:12 pm

    Hi Rohan,

    It has been a while since I read some good writing on the net. As you asked me to read it from a critical eye, I have some tips for you.

    I understand you write flash fiction so you need to stuff details into the story. I got startled (I mean I got out of the story and into how words are used) by these:

    Carlos wondered
    Water vapour
    1980 Vespa
    Plus

    ‘the decision of not taking’ seems wordy. You can instead ‘His hand felt empty without his umbrella’. If the umbrella is of importance, as it is in this story, then you can describe it in a few words. Black, rusted, bronze handle or anything that you think will stay in the reader’s mind.

    ‘Not in a fairy tale or movie star sort of way.’ This is a bit used. I have read it plenty of times before. Your story will be better without it. The next sentence would stand. ‘There was something about her; the glint in her eyes, her dark brown skin, and her unconventional looks…’

    ‘towards his neighbour’. I understand you want to inform the reader that she is her neighbor, but I don’t think it matters whether she is his neighbor or not. Okay, we know that he had been in love with her for a long time and has not got the guts to say it, but being a neighbor doesn’t really make a difference to the reader. Even if he sees her everyday at the coffee house or at his workplace or at the park; doesn’t make much of a difference, so you can safely do away with this detail.

    ‘The suspense was over.’ Is kind of didactic. It draws you away from the characters to the voice of the narrator (and as you are writing in third person omniscient, you don’t want that).

    ‘It was certainly the most beautiful uncertain day in Carlos’ life yet.’ We can have a reaction of the protagonist here. That would be great. ‘Carlos walked up to Caryn, thinking about his boss to stop the blush coming on. After he was zooming behind her, he did not want to think about anything.’ Or some such.

    I loved ‘smelled the ambiguity in the air.’ You should do this more. 🙂 Everything else in the story is great. Five years and you will be a celebrity.

    And I hope you will not hate me for this. 🙂

    ciao
    Shruti

  3. pyro February 9, 2010 at 8:20 am

    true, i have been busy, but i checked your work out…i just did not have the time to post something…

    well,here goes…

    don’t take this against you, but it is hard to be attached to the two characters. if a reader does not care about your characters, well, what is there to read, right?

    anyway,about the uncertainty…i like the idea, but there is what we call the “diverse inevitable”…so the day was actually pre-determined…

  4. pyro February 9, 2010 at 8:25 am

    oh, and i created a link on my site for you…

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